DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

Traits of a Batterer

karla kwist 361 posts May 05, 2008 10:55 PM	This will focus on traits of the Batterer, or the person who perpetrates the abuse. Abusers come from all professions, educational backgrounds, religious affiliations, sexual orientations, and ethnic backgrounds. They have a full range of physical descriptions. Abusers DO have some characteristics in common. These include: 1. A belief in the use of violence in general: Men who batter do so because they can and it works. Abusive men have received the message that violence against women is acceptable behavior. 2. The use of defense mechanisms to justify abusive behaviors: Typically, the batterer does not accept responsibility for his actions. Batterers not only deny responsibility for their actions; they also often deny that any type of abusive behavior has taken place. They often tell the woman that she “made it all up.” He develops a number of defense mechanisms to explain why he batters. a. Rationalization: I just wanted her to listen to me. b. Denial-Minimizing: I only pushed her. c. Denial-Claiming loss of control: A man can only take so much. d. Blaming: If she/he hadn’t provoked me. 3. Pathological jealousy: The abusive partner is jealous of any relationships the woman has, including those with other men, women, children, and even pets. Anything that takes time away from him is seen as a threat. One of the greatest fears a batterer has is that his partner will abandon him. This manifests itself in extreme jealousy and possessiveness. He believes that if he can completely control her, she won’t leave. 4. Dual personality: Batterers typically present a different personality outside the home from the one they exhibit in the home. This dual personality keeps women tied to the relationship. The batterer does not always batter; many have periods when they can be very generous with their affection. The woman tries to be the “perfect” wife and mom in order to get the “nice” personality to emerge from the man. Results of Lenore Walker’s Research Leonore Walker, along with many others, estimate that as many as 50% of all women will be battering victims at some point in their lives (Page x, 1979). Walker found throughout her research that women asked the question, “How can I recognize whether or not my man will beat me up? Or How do I stop from being battered?” Walker reported that she could not answer these questions. So, in class we will attempt to answer some of these questions. Many of the women in Walker’s study asked the following questions: “Am I a battered woman if my husband only hits me once in a while? If he only threatens to hurt me and then takes away my car keys for punishment? If he calls me once an hour, am I battered?” In fact, few women Walker interviewed were absolutely positive they had been victims of DV. For many of the women, the myths of “battered women” (weak, low class women) was inconsistent with their own self-image. The research showed the following similarities in women in DV relationships. 1. Initial Surprise: Most of the women stated that they were taken unaware by the violence demonstrated by their men. They could not have predicted that these men would have been so violent until after the initial incident occurred. 2. Unpredictability of acute battering incidents: Despite the number of times a battered woman went through the cycle of violence, she still could not predict exactly when an acute battering incident would occur. 3. Overwhelming jealousy: Batterers were jealous of other men, women friends, family, children, grandchildren, and jobs. 4. Unusual Sexuality: Battered women all reported unusual kinds of sexual behavior that their batterers expected in their relationships. 5. Concealment: Although women vividly recalled battering experiences, they frequently denied and concealed this information to protect their batterers. 6. Extreme Psychological Abuse: Almost all battered women reported severe verbal harassment and criticism. 7. Family Threat: As an important coercive technique, batters threatened to harm the families or close friends of the battered women. 8. Extraordinary terror through the use of weapons: Batters reportedly would frighten their women with terrorizing descriptions of how they would torture them. 9. Alcohol and Drug Use: Batterers frequently abuse when under the influence of alcohol or drugs. However, it is a MYTH that alcohol and drug use cause battering behavior. Research indicates that when a batterer quits drinking or using drugs, the battering continues. He will find something or someone else to blame for his behavior. Compiled by Dr. Shanyn Aysta, Psy.D
MWS 29 posts May 06, 2008 12:40 AM	Hi Karla, I'm a victim (was) of being physically abused; the thing that "surprises" women is not the actual incident but that they never saw it coming. That's because these "so-called men" start early by planting little seeds of doubt and negative self-worth in a woman, over and over, until you finally believe you deserve it. That comes from their own inadequecy to feel good about themselves so they "kick the dog". Ladies, if you read this, understand that things DO NOT get better, it only escalates. What brought me to my senses was my ex started in on my oldest son (4 years old) with verbal abuse and giving him the message he was not good enough, a loser. I left as soon as I could safely get away and never went back. Get help, have a safety plan, let other women help and listen to their advice...we know what we're talking about. Love and safety to you and your precious children. God bless. Marcia ---------- Marcia W. Marcia Walden Studio www.MarciaWaldenSkinCare.com
burnadette Guest May 10, 2009 4:45 PM	Ladie's please tell me if this relationship is scary to you and if you think that it is some form of abuse. I moved from one state here in Chapel Hill, NC.I met this guy on line and he lied to me , and never did tell me that he was an alcholic. First I just thought that it was a weekend thing, then he began to drink everyday, beer and liquor. I would leave him alone and go to another room in the apt because he wanted to argue with me everytime he drank , he wanted to know what happend between my x-husband and myself, I told him that it was a private matter and I dont want to tell you, so then he began to get very loud, and then kept telling me to get out of the apt. I told him no, it was after 1 am in the morning, so he decided to call the police, and they informed him that I was also on the lease and for him to stay in another room and I stay in the room I was already in. I agreed, and I was in that room already. After the police left he then came back in the room and started taunting me, I just kept my mouth shut. The next day he's calling me honey this and sweet names , I still didnt trust him. He called his aunt and told her to come and get me because he wanted me out, she told him to straighten thhis out yourself. Then he told mr that he was going to stop drinking, I didnt belive him. He sat beside me on his laptop, looking for an aa program, we went he didnt stand up and tell them his name, then comes the next week he didnt go. Here comes the weekend, he tellls me that he's going over to his friends house to let them know that were not going bowling, this was at 7 pm, he never came back. I woke up at 2 am and called his phone , he said that he was asleep, so I hung up the phone. I know that he was out drinking and smoking crack, in which I caught him doing one night, he promised nevere to do it again. I've been very short tempered with him, I also think that he was with another woman, not his so - called friend. I dont want to have a sexual relationship with him, because I dont trust him and I've already caught him in lie's. He yell's at me, whereas the neighbors can hear it. I began to sleep on the sofa,because I dont even want him to touch me, or even kiss me. I have no family here, or friends that I can count on and to be honest I'm afraid of him. I went through his paperwork and come to find out that he has been to jail 36 times. I'm handi-capped disabled and really afraid. Please ladie's tell me what I need to do. He hasnt put his hands on me as of yet, but somehow I feel that he will, especially when he's drinking. Right now hw smells as though he has jumped in the bottle. I have all my belonging's here, and have hardly , have two nickels to rub together to get gas if I had to leave. What do , I do. Please help. I dont get much sleep, and I eat 1 meal a day, because it's all I have, and he will only buy what he likes and tends to eat most of it, or drink it until there's nothing left. I cry everyday because I'm so alone, hungry and scared. Please help. burnadette